You’re Not Dating “The One”

Your boyfriend or girlfriend is not “the one.” Sorry to burst that bubble.

This past weekend I was asked when I knew that Ali, my wife of over 5 years, was “the one.” I inaccurately said that I knew before we started dating. The hard truth is that you and I do not have a soul mate. I know, harsh.

You might think this person is the perfect person for you, but that would mean this other person completes you (I’m grossed out that I used that phrase). No one on this earth will repair your flaws or give you that butterfly feeling forever.

If you keep looking for this person, you will eventually fall into two traps.

The “Wrong One”

If you wrestle with the idea of finding “the one,” you can become paralyzed from a life of freedom. The weight of this impossible search can create a mentality of fear and discontent, and this perspective can do real damage to yourself and your relationships.

The second trap that many fall into is that your standards need to change. This can lean in either direction: overly-vigilant nitpicking or a total collapse of honorable expectations. The first option eliminates any possibility of allowing the individual to fail or not meet your legalistic standards. But, at the same time, the latter option would open yourself to unsavory companions.

You have to resist the lure of these traps, and at the same time hold fast to the reality that the Bible never speaks of anyone being prepared to be “the one” for you. Go ahead, look in there. You won’t find a perfect couple; there are a ton of horrible couples, but you will not find any person dating “the one.”

Okay, then what should you aim for in dating?

Dating Is Not About About Romance

Contrary to any rom-com, your dating relationship should not be centered on romance. The butterflies, the rush of getting to know someone, and the lovey-dovey moments can be nice, but those moments will not last and will not sustain you over the long-run.

I have to admit, at this moment I am listening to one of my favorite songs “The Girl” by City and Colour. I love the mushy moments as much as anyone, but eventually, the song ends and there are more vital aspects of relationships.

Your central aim in dating is commitment. Romance fades in and out, but commitment stands firm. God created us to commit, but we chose the commitment: sin.

You Marry “The One”

At this point, you might be discouraged that you aren’t dating “the one.” Which, is true. Somone is not born to be “the one” for you, someone becomes “the one.”

As soon as turn and face your fiance, made covenant vows, said “I do,” and did so in front of God, friends, family, and the church, your spouse becomes “the one.” That moment of commitment reveals who you’re meant to be with.

You’re not dating “the one.” You marry “the one.”

Jacob Luis Gonzales